Classes ended earlier last week.
Finally finished marking yesterday. Not quite done the grading and reporting yet. I will probably post about that process later on when I have time. With all the exciting blooming interest in SBG right now, I want to share the things that I do (and try to do) when it comes to putting it all together.
I know I should be excited -- I will soon be able to get to my giant backlog of drafts and blogposts that I want to finish up. I will soon be a part of the summer writing team for math assessments. I will probably also have a lot more time to do work on my thesis. Depending on how things turn out, I may end up helping out with a bunch of research initiatives as well. -- and I definitely am excited (although a bit sad that I can't join everyone at TMC), but I can't shake this irrational sense of sadness/helplessness that I am feeling.
The day class ended, I actually couldn't sleep that night. I stayed up most of the night thinking about the kids from my two semesters this year. Students I reached, the students I couldn't reach, and whether it was good enough. I spent a lot more time worrying about what they would be like when they come back (and in the case for the 12s, if they come visit). Stupid me, right? I've always missed students when I don't see them, but ever since reading this from @approx_normal, I've started to worry about them more. It's stupid and irrational. I can't control the future, and I certainly don't control them. It's completely irrational, and I don't know if I am alone in feeling like this. I am also feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I understand that I may see the students again next year, but it won't be the same. Even if I get some of them in my classes next year, it won't be the same. The classroom dynamic would be different if not gone. The culture that I've built would be gone. Maybe growing up without parents resulted in lots of attachment issues, but I have problems letting go. My wife jokes and asks what it would be like when we have kids.
I support this idea of being a school teacher and not merely a classroom teacher, but I still can't shake feeling a little lost, or that something has been lost. Like a huge part of my identity is missing and I am just replacing it with this irrational fear.
It's ridiculous and irrational. Not sure what else to say or do.
I am hoping writing this out will help me overcome this... whatever this is...
I do hope that writing this down helps, Jim. I also think you're right about it being related to your growing up without parents. I was without my parents (and 2 sisters) between the ages of 11 and 26. We might sense loss at a deeper level because it's so real to us -- we lived it, we survived it (or have we?)
ReplyDeleteHugs, my friend.
Thank you for your support - as always.
DeleteI am hoping time will help.... Or it might just get harder every year.